Category Archives: Girl Talk

A recommendation letter for dating me

To whom it may concern:

Should you choose to ask Carissa to go on a date with you, it is important that you are aware of some key benefits and hazards to dating her.

  • She will listen intently to your stories, anecdotes, and feelings. However, she is terrible at telling her own stories. Pretend to be interested anyway.
  • She will always reach for the check, but you will probably end up paying. Be careful how you handle this situation, as you do not want to risk setting off a feminist rant.
  • She will try very hard to refrain from talking during movies. She is still working on this habit, but she tries valiantly.
  • She will graciously allow you to win at any athletic activity you do on your date while playfully talking trash. Unless you take her to the batting cages, in which case she will kick your $#%!^&$ a$$.
  • She will only curse if she is very nervous. This will subside over time.

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.

Sincerely,

Her Previous Dates

P.S. Be careful of her dad. He’s a live wire.

 

 

My purity ring didn’t keep me pure

The day I discovered that a purity ring doesn’t help young people live purely was a shocking blow. And it changed how I view Christian purity.

I grew up in the Southern Baptist tradition, so I know the ropes well. Campaigns that were intensely popular when I was a pre-teen, such as True Love Waits, promised that if I bought a ring and signed the included commitment card, Jesus would be happy with me, and I would be well on my way to a good Christian life.

So, with sincere intentions and my neatest handwriting, I wrote my name in the blank that said “I, _________, promise to do this and that” and signed my name in cursive. I slipped on the ring bearing a “True Love Waits” engraving and quickly became accustomed to its presence on my finger. And there I wore it, assuming its constant presence as my only guard through high school. When I lost the original in the dirt at a softball game, I bought another one, which I wore so much that it cracked. I proceeded on with my life, resting securely in the notion that I was pure and holy because I hadn’t broken the promises on the commitment card yet… nor had I ever been given the opportunity to do so.

Continue reading My purity ring didn’t keep me pure

Am I a feminist?

I was recently asked if I am a feminist, and the question made me pause and carefully consider my answer. Am I a “feminist”? I surely hesitate to apply a label to my ideas on such a fluid subject; one of the first points I learned about feminism is that the ideology is not the same as it was ten, twenty, or thirty years ago. So I don’t know that I am a “feminist” in the same way that you, reader, would define it. But I thought it would be appropriate to take some time to lay out what I believe on the subject of women’s place in the world as it becomes an increasingly discussed subject in our culture today, from the #yesallwomen hashtag to accusations of a rape culture.

You see, I think any woman would tend toward ideas that empower women if she had ever been treated by men in her life as if she were an object that they deserved, or if she had been desired for purely carnal reasons.

Continue reading Am I a feminist?

Let’s go.

“A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.” -Coco Chanel

I’m 20 years old. I have a fresh haircut, a fresh single status, and a fresh year to take control of my life. I have no ring on my finger and nobody telling me what I should do. This opportunity may never come around again, so I’m going for it.

In 2014, I’m going to graduate college. (Assuming it doesn’t kill me.) Then I’m going to go conquer the world. Because who’s stopping me?

I’m going to start with the little things – exercise, daily quiet time, eating only one bowl of ice cream a day – and do it all with my eyes more focused on Jesus and less focused on myself every day. He will fill me to overflowing so that I can love others like He loves me. I’m going to be successful and productive not to my own credit, but for His kingdom. I’m going to let Him use me in His timing and for His glory. This is gonna be good. Buckle your seatbelts.

Let’s go.

On November.

In three weeks, the fall semester will be over. In five weeks, the year 2013 will be over, and we will embark on another semester and another calendar year. Looking back, I can only pray that if this next year is filled with as much pain as this past month has had, it also comes with the abundance of joys.

You see, as suddenly as I fell deeply in love with a man ten months ago, I tumbled headlong out of it this month, lost and confused and really, really hurt from the fall. My sense of purpose was gone and with it, my motivation and my joy.

Continue reading On November.

Breaking the silence.

Preface: Earlier this year, I battled an ongoing sin in my life and emerged victorious through the strength of Christ. What you are about to read was written in October as I processed through this life-changing time. No doubt, it’s honest – so prepare yourself. This is a part of my story. Welcome.

Go ahead, you can tell her. She will listen. She loves you. She can help.

These words were whispered into my heart time after time as I sat in front of a computer screen, connected to my best friend thousands of miles away via a webcam. A lull would arise in our conversation as we updated each other on the ins and outs of our lives, the struggles and the joys, and I heard gentle encouragement from the Holy Spirit to say it out loud. Confess it.

“I am addicted to sexual temptation.

Help me.”

And every time, I would open my mouth to say it and then press my lips together, saying nothing. Shhhhh, Satan would whisper, drowning out my good intentions. She doesn’t need to know. Once you confess it, you’re going to have to deal with it. It will just be your personal secret that no one knows about. Everyone has a “deepest darkest” secret, right? Keep it in the dark. I made my choice, and I brought up a new subject.

This went on for the better part of a year and a half in countless Skype dates. I knew I needed to get out, and I knew I couldn’t do it alone. Yet I kept it quiet. When I did tell someone, he used it against me and pushed me and himself further into the addiction. I was scared of being judged and scared of the consequences of my sin… and scared I might have to give it up.

My heart was transformed by the Gospel, no doubt, and it desired purification and wholeness and Christ-likeness. I longed for a full, whole relationship with the Lord, with no secrets and dark corners that I hoped He wouldn’t expose. But in a little shoebox in the corner of my heart sat that dirty little secret, only brought out in the dark and in secret. I would run to that box and open it to feel the most temporary happiness, and to fill that innate desire God has given each individual with something artificial and incomplete.

But one day, He poured light into that corner of my life, exposing to me the depth of the sin and the filth of my actions. With glaring pain and discomfort, I saw clearly that I had been acting like a put-together little Christian girl who barely even needed grace because she hardly ever sinned. Sometimes I lied a little bit or said something mean, but I went to church and led Bible studies and knew apologetics like the back of my hand.

And then at night, sometimes I couldn’t sleep until I gave into the lust of the flesh.

Finally, in His timing, the Lord brought me to this sin and pointed it out, in His infinitely gentle and loving way. To see the dirty, wretched sinner I was… it was devastating. The guilt and shame wrecked my heart, and I could barely speak to God.

My heart cried out the same prayer as David after he realized his sin with Bathsheba. Have mercy on me, O God. Have mercy. Against You, You only, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight.

Then, the simple truth of one verse crashed through the walls:

Romans 5:8

God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

While I was a sinner. While I walked right past Jesus, standing there with open arms, to go to my computer and find new websites with better sexual images and words to fill my mind with.

Christ died for me.

He knew that I would still reject Him, and that I would say in public that I knew Him and loved Him while going home and deliberately sinning against Him. And, heart full of love for me, He laid down on that cross silently and allowed them to drive nails into His hands. In doing so, He stepped between the Almighty Judge and me after I received a guilty sentence and said, “Give me her punishment.” And on top of that, He will escort me into His kingdom so that I can be there with Him forever someday.

Psalm 51…

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. 

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 

He is faithful. But not only is He faithful because I acknowledge it and thank Him for it in my life – He has been faithful all along. He is true to His promise. He has said: “I am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” No matter how dirty our sins are, God has taken them away and removed them “as far as the east is from the west.”

What other response can I have to this amazing grace than to do all that is in my power to abandon my unsatisfying fleshly desires and pursue my Redeemer with reckless abandon? Is there any other response that is appropriate? I have no choice but to fall on my face in humility and follow this kinsman-redeemer to the ends of the earth.

Needless to say, after these truths smashed through the walls I had constructed, I was so overwhelmed with the goodness of my God that I couldn’t help but share it in a couple places with the faceless mass of people I call my followers. And just like that:

The silence was shattered.

My best friend now knows about this sin in my life, and she’s helping me set up accountability software with X3 Church. Half a dozen girls have come to me to say, “Me too.” And we’re working through it together.

Chains be broken. Lives be healed.

For five years, I filled my mind and my heart with images and words and emotions that I cannot erase. I want to burn up that corner of my life and throw away the ashes. I wish there was a file in my mind that I could simply delete. Maybe someday, by the infinite grace of God, those images will leave my mind.

But for now, I am resting in His infinite grace and mercy, and He has freed me from my chains – and He will catch me and forgive me every time I slip and fall.

Satan builds his strongholds in the secrets of our lives and reinforces them by our silence. When we break the silence we break the strongholds.

-Jonas Biehler

Continue reading Breaking the silence.

On addictions and being fulfilled.

Addiction. It’s a rough and “personal” topic. No one wants to bring it up; it’s our own personal baggage. Whether it’s an addiction to drugs, an eating disorder, attention, self-harm, or pornography – if you’ve got it, there’s probably a self-help book, an accountability group, and maybe even a patch to get you through it and patch it up.

Continue reading On addictions and being fulfilled.