Note to Self

All right, Carissa. Here’s the deal: You know you have spent countless thoughts and minutes and moments on wondering when that boy was going to text you back, or checking to see if he opened your Snapchat, or watching for that “[he] is typing…” message on Facebook. You have been distracted beyond measure hoping for an ounce of attention from someone who probably didn’t know you were hanging onto his every word and surely didn’t care. You could measure your life in boys whose attention you were addicted to at the time, and it’s time for that to end.

You must stop measuring your life in the boy who’s interested in you (or, more accurately, who you’re interested in). You must give up on feeding from his attention, on posting things specifically for him to see, on allowing his responses to dictate how you’re feeling throughout your day.You are a whole entire woman and you are so, so much better than allowing a boy to make up a piece of you. You stand tall; you do not lean on another person’s opinion of you – most especially a boy’s opinion of you. If not one single attractive male is giving you attention, you must remember that without him, you are just as beautiful and smart as would be with him. He doesn’t make you any better – if anything, you could make him better.

And you must stop with the brave words, too. You say these things bravely and resolutely, but you know that you’re dependent still upon what message you’ll wake up to or why he didn’t like that most recent photo you posted. You know that you’re happier when you’re in digital conversation with him, and grouchier when he’s ignoring you. Why does it have to be that way? Who says that in order to be your best self, you must be putting it on for a man, or putting it on because of a man? I know that you crave and desire the attention of a man to fulfill you, but that’s all it is. You don’t have to give in to every craving and desire – shoot, you’re a better person when you don’t.

Life is too often like a storm happening around you, with winds blowing like crazy and debris threatening to blind you, and it would feel nice to lean on someone else every once in a while. But he’s not strong enough to hold you. Not because you’re too heavy, but you’re too heavy of a burden to lean on someone else when you aren’t standing up tall. Stand up straight, chin up and shoulders back. Someday, you might find someone who will let you rest against him. But always remember that you are strong enough to hold yourself up anyway, with or without him.

But you know what? You’re not strong enough. You are a (very) imperfect hot little mess sometimes, so how can you keep your shoulders rolled back when you really just want to crumple them up? How can you stand tall at your worst, knowing that you have messed up so often? Jesus, baby. He’s the cliché answer but only because He’s the right answer. The iron rod in your back keeping you standing straight up is your strong foundation in knowing that Jesus is who it all comes down to. And you’re going to find a boy who has Jesus helping him stand up straight too, and he won’t be perfect but you’ll know that He is. And together, you’ll walk tall.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, whether or not he Snapchats you back, or returns your text, or even looks your way, and even if the other girl he talks to more or chooses to spend time with is prettier or smarter, that doesn’t matter. You’re a beautiful daughter of Christ on your very own. And that’s where your focus should be. You’ve wasted so much brain power and time on wondering and checking to see if he’s paying attention to you. I think it’s time to give up. But not in despair and defeat – but with resolution. You and Jesus? You’ve got this.

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