Dear future husband,
Words cannot convey the joy with which I anticipate meeting you, befriending you, understanding you, and falling in love with you, if you’re even out there somewhere. This is such a thrilling thought to me, and you already give me butterflies even though I don’t know you. I know that when I find you, I will not have to settle for less than a man who will stand by my side no matter what we face in life and cherish me more deeply than I can imagine. I also look forward to being challenged to become a Godlier woman because of you, and I joyfully anticipate being inspired by the way that you take a stand for Christ and strive to daily set him at the center of your life and our relationship.
However, there is a season for everything in life. It is with ambivalence and heaviness in my heart I confess to you that right now, I am not ready to enter into a fully committed relationship with you, because I have not yet invested myself fully into the relationship that I am called to value higher than your love or the love of anyone else. I want to offer you everything I have, even if this means that I must first be prepared and refined as gold in a fire. The sacrifice I must make before I allow myself to love you requires all of who I am, and it requires the first priority position of my life. In fact, sacrificing my life to being a servant of the Most High God essentially requires me to make Him my only priority. Before I commit to you, I want to commit to allowing the words “to live is Christ” to come alive in my life, visibly and noticeably.
Once I have given up my life, my pride, and my own ambitions for the sake of Christ out of nothing but utter gratitude for His grace and mercy on my sinful and imperfect soul, I can begin to allow the overflow of love He pours into me to be poured out onto others so that I can love them – not so that you will see this and love me, sweet future husband, but so that they will see that He loves me and how He loves them. And once others can see that I have sold out to the belief in the knowledge that He loves me through the way that I love them, I will be ready to enter a marriage that reflects the way that Christ has loved the Church.
I have been praying for you, dear man of God, ever since I received my purity ring and simply wrote to you the commitment, “I am waiting for you, darling. Wait for me too.” But this isn’t an excuse to twiddle your thumbs and check out until I arrive. While you are waiting, I pray that you are being refined through the same process, being humbled in the same way by His mercy on you and His great love for you, and being transformed into the man of God who has been set apart to be my warrior-poet. When we have both been refined through seeking the Lord individually, I pray that the result does not stem from earthly love, which does not satisfy or last, but that it stems from patient and kind love, the kind of love that 1 Corinthians 13 sets before us as an example and the kind of love that God has shown to us.
I will know it is you, my warrior-poet, when this is the journey you have taken as well. When God has broken you to the point of desperately needing Him more than the love of a woman or the acceptance of others, and rebuilt you to serving Him first, then others, seeking your own needs lastly. I don’t want to pressure you – I have made more mistakes than I care to admit and I know you have as well. I have strayed, I have fallen, and I have failed utterly and completely, but this only allows me to look forward more to catching a glimpse of Christ’s all-forgiving redemption in our relationship.
Wait for me, darling. I’m waiting for you, and in the meantime I’m running full speed towards the throne of the King. I’ll meet you there.